the Wizard of OZ
by Leviathan
Summary: Again, for once, this actually has something to do with the title. Rated PG for overdoses, origami stars, potato chips, and the color pink. (Sos wants you to R&R, not me) Oh yeah, um, SLAPPY HAPPY!!!


Heya. This is basically a recap, done in Gundam style of a pep rally at school. This fic was based on real events. Any similarities to real life characters and or occurrences are completely incoincidental. I repeat: This fic was based on real events, please do not attempt at your school or you could end up suspended (or, if you have a tight-ass school, expelled) Proceed at your own discretion!  
  
Wizard of Oz  
  
It was a beautiful, not-quite-starry night. The air was thin. So thin that it would make you want to go see a play...  
  
"Duo?" whispered Trowa cautiously, as to not upset anyone near.  
"Yeah, what?" came the equally cautious, but not as quiet reply.  
"WHY ARE WE HERE?" he whispered as loud as humanly possible.  
".....hn. Ask Heero. It's his fault,"said Duo as he gave an resigned sigh.  
"My fault for what?" came Heero's startling voice from behind the two pilots, "If you're talking about that lingerie, honestly, it wasn't--"  
"What?!" Trowa cut in, just trying to reassure that he wasn't going deaf or hentai.  
"Uh...I"ll be in the BOYS' restroom if you need me..." Heero turned and ran.  
"Doing...? Never mind. I wouldn't like the answer anyway," Trowa said, leaving Duo to ponder Heero's last words as he searched for a seat of his own.  
  
Trowa spent 5 unnoticed minutes as he searched the never-ending hellhole of a school for a decent place to hide before he gave up and settled for a seat. *Might as well make the best of it while I still can* he thought. And just as he was beginning to accept the fact that this night was going to be longer than desired, a pink thing made its presence known.  
"Trowa? That you?" it called  
"?! Relena? What are you doing here? Wait- better question: who are you here with?" he said carefully, making sure not to be dragged into something horrible like the last time he asked a simple question.  
"Wanted to meet Heero, but...what Heero doesn't know can't hurt, ne?" an evil gleam flashed in the Peacecraft's eyes, and it scared Trowa shitless.  
"What?! You little- " however, Trowa's prepared insult/defense was cut short by a familiar voice.  
"Trowa??"  
"Noin! Thank god- " he was saved! A moral person who could detain this feral beast!  
"Ooh...Noin....Lookin' good tonight!" Relena ran a finger down Noin's shoulder. Noin pulled back immediately, disgusted, frightened, and shocked out of her mind.  
"Miss Relena! What has gotten-- " she started.  
"Oh, you know you want.."  
"INJUSTICE!!!"  
Trowa breathed a sigh of relief and followed the voice in hopes of a sane person.  
"But Wufei! We *have* to sit up front!" whined Quatre.  
"SCHOOL PLAYS ARE WEAK!" countered Wufei, keeping from the children like a snail from salt. Even the foaming thing...  
"Wufei!" called Trowa, ever-so-hopefully.  
"Trowa! Get this pink weakling away from me!"  
"Wufei..." Trowa took a deep breath, "Relena's being gay again, so is Heero, I don't know why I'm here, I'm guessing Duo's lost, and McDonald's doesn't use real potatoes in their french fries that aren't even French!!"  
"Easy. I know why we're here. Heero is weak, so he gave in to Relena Piece-of-Crap's incessant badgering and dragged us here, creating an injustice so underhanded, so vile, and so...*weak* that even words can't explain it."  
"Ah. I see." Trowa gave his best effort for a thoughtful look.  
"Ooh, KAWAII little costumes, ne?" squeaked Quatre.  
  
* • * • *  
  
"Heero!" called Relena, stepping innocently away from Noin, who was as pale as her dress, which was purple.  
Heero sighed in defeat and shook his head, wondering how he could have possibly given in to that pink obnoxious nightmare of a female. Or was she? He had begun to suspect already. Maybe Catherine drugged the soup again he thought absently.  
Just then, the elementary-style (by that I mean low-budget) lights began to dim (really, they just turned off a couple. you know the technology level...)  
"Heero!" she screeched again. This time in giddy frustration, "I saved us SEATS!"  
He muttered an all-too-familiar Japanese curse and headed toward the mosquito-like annoyance known as Relena. Just three seats away, a better opportunity revealed itself. He noticed Trowa, Quatre, and a disgruntled Wufei and made to find a seat closer to them than *it*. Hey, where's Duo? It's pretty quiet... He searched the crowd for the braided baka, but no luck ah, well, what can I expect from him? "Wufei, could you move over? I need to escape from 'it'," he whispered.  
"What? It's your fault that we're all here in the first place! You fell for the stupid pink onna-"  
"Hey!" Quatre seemed offended.  
"Not you, Winner," reasoned Wufei, and continued, "You fell for the stupid pink one and dragged us with you! Tell me why we should..." Wufei's ranting trailed on.  
"Trowa?" Heero tried again.  
"Yeah, sure. You know, you *do* owe us big, Heero," muttered Trowa, making room for Heero.  
"Uh-huh. Hey- have you seen Duo around?" asked Heero, now concerned for the safety of the children.  
Trowa's eyes lit up as he recalled something, "Hey! Come to think of it....no." Trowa smiled as he went back to staring behind his own hair.  
Heero frowned at Trowa, "Hn. Gotten himself lost again, has he?"  
Without warning, some snotty little kid (literally) walked on stage wearing...a tree. The snot-filled walking injustice began to make noises that it probably considered speaking. "Wehlkum........play......Wiza......Oz." and with that, it walked away.  
"OZ?! INJUSTICE!! WHERE?!" Wufei jumped up and unsheathed his sword.  
"Wufei!" whined Quatre, "Sit down! You're being rude to the kawaii little people!" Soon after, a mobile bag of crap, assumed to be the principal, moved over to Wufei. "I'm sorry, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to kindly put the weapon away, as you are scaring the people, or leave."  
"NEVER! I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I DEFEAT TREIZE!!!"  
"Please, sir, put the weapon --ack! (some gurlgling sound)" the principal died.  
"THAT IS WHAT SHALL NOW BE EXPECTED, SHOULD ANYONE mmf!!" Wufei was cut off by Quatre.  
"Please, Wufei! They did nothing!" Quatre turned to the crowd, "Sorry, kawaii little people! He hasn't had his medication yet!!" Quatre yanked a pink bottled out of his pink shirt pocket that was now decorated with pink ribbons, emptied about half its contents into his hand and proceeded to shove it down Wufei's throat. Almost immediately, Wufei fell to the floor, unconscious.  
Heero blinked. Relena screamed. Noin woke up. Quatre sat down and smiled, satisfied. Duo showed up. "Hey," he said, looking at the dead silent crowd, "What'd I miss?"  
With that, the not-quite-a-play 'resumed'. Duo took a seat (meaning he threw the occupant off, kicked him/her and stole their chair) next to Wufei and started 'decorating' his and Wufei's hair with little origami stars, brightly colored. So *that's* what he was doing thought Heero.  
"Kawaii!" chorused Duo and Quatre together.  
"Ssh!" Heero shot them (not that kind!) a look.  
"Don't touch my apples!" exclaimed some ugly tree-kid onstage indignantly.  
Somewhere from the audience, Relena screamed in reply, "IT WASN'T ME!!" Trowa's eyes widened at that one. He had grown increasingly bored -more bored than should be considered legal, in fact- of counting crumbs and staples on the floor.  
As the sad excuse for a play dragged on, Duo escaped again. Heero hadn't noticed, as he was busy trying to clear his mind of Relena's disturbing advances on unsuspecting females and other items. This time Duo returned in half the time, crashing into people, chairs both vacant and non-vacant, and stray flying monkeys, all the while holding a bottle of something-or-other.  
"Duo?" inquired Trowa, more out of concern than curiosity.  
"No! Duo- you didn't!" scolded Quatre.  
"Huh?" Heero paused briefly from his ceiling analysis to see what was going on.  
"OKAY, EVERYBODY: HIGH F# !!!" shouted Duo from the floor, attempting to 'tune' his voice. Abruptly and without any other word of warning, he broke into Rythm Emotion, horribly off-key. As the disturbed and mentally unstable crowd held their hands over their ears, many children began crying and Heero stood up. He'd have to take matters into his own hands again.   
He marched up to Duo, grabbed the three-quarters-empty bottle he was holding, and smashed it over Duo's head. Duo promptly advanced to passing out. Heero dropped the bottle, brushed his hands off, and sat back down.  
"I'm four year old..." Duo mumbled sleepily.  
"No...No, you aren't," Heero reminded him from his seat.  
  
~Okay.... that's it for now. Um...I know, there was a lot of Relena bashing, Duo bashing, Quatre bashing, elementary children bashing, and whatnot. Whatever. Deal with it. I personally love Duo, but hey it had to be done! He had to learn! He's like a child, honestly! Well, his fanfic persona, anyway. Which brings me to my next point- yes, I know EVERYONE in this fic was ooc. Except the snot-kid. Even the principal was ooc. I have no idea exactly who or what the hell I was writing about, considering I'm in high school, not elementary ((though my writing skills may prove otherwise...and my immaturity. It's *so* fourth grade! (mimicking) )) ANYWAY, you better review this freakin' outlet of frustration that I like to call a fic. If you don't, you'll have Spawn of satan to answer to! ::looks over to Sos, who is sitting down, watching TV and chewing potato chips. Not eating, chewing.:: Spawn of satan! Get your furry cat ass over here! (Sos: MEOW.) Oh, you think so, eh? (Sos: MEOW.) such arrogance!! ::seriously offended:: yeah? well see if you can find a new job!!! ::runs off, crying:: (Sos: MEOW! ::starts to kitty-laugh::) ::over shoulder:: and I'll have you know that those AREN'T REAL POTATOES!!!   
(Sos: ^-_-^;;;)   



End file.
